Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Just a few things...

-It bothers me to no end when people post their prayers on FB. You are writing a prayer to God, on Facebook? Is he your friend on Facebook? Do you understand how the concept of prayer actually works? Social media has made people so weird. NO ONE REALLY CARES, dude!

-Sensitive men are the worst. If I say something to offend you and I notice you're bothered, I will apologize. But if I say something else and you get in your feelings, I'm out. Not even because you're sensitive, but because you obviously don't get my brand of humor, and we are not a good fit.

-It trips me out when men disappear for a while, then pop back up. Where do you think I think you were? You weren't saving the rain forest. You weren't in some village in Africa curing AIDS. You were somewhere with someone else doing you. Why on earth would you think you could attempt to walk back in my life and have me take you seriously? Go back and continue your philanthropy tour...I'm good over here.

-I have a friend that stays posting FB statuses about struggling--but he is expecting his 4th baby with the same woman. What is it MJ said? If you can't feed the baby, then don't have the baby! You asked for this! Did you think the 4th one would come with no expenses or something? Thanks to Obamacare, my birth control is absolutely free. And it isn't just mine that's free. Your chick (well no, baby mama, since neither of you claim each other even though she has a homemade tattoo of your name etched onto her collarbone) could have gotten some too.

-I've noticed that older people were much more attractive younger than we are. I read the obituaries daily (don't judge me), and a lot of times they will have a picture of an older person in their youth. Without photoshop, hair extensions, and tons of makeup, these folks were absolutely beautiful people! Everyone looked cleaner and neater, their skin was better, their hair was healthier, their smiles were brighter--our grandparents looked much better than us. Period.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

My experiences with online dating

I've recently ventured back into online dating. The other day, I came across this guy. He seemed pretty cool on paper, he was attractive-I was interested. His page said that he played pro football, then worked as a federal contractor, now he does construction. Interesting career path...but whatever. I guess he saw that I'd visited his page, because he ended up hitting me up, and we began conversing. After a couple days of conversation, he asked if we could talk offline. I agreed, and when he told me his name and gave me his number, I recognized both his name and area code--I'd met this guy online before. I couldn't remember why we'd stopped talking. I chalked it up to my past pettiness and shallow behavior and continued on. When he called me, I was on the other line and I said I would call him back. He said ok. I called him back 5 minutes later, and I got a text-- "sorry im busy. call back later". That's when it started to come back to me. I remembered dude being petty. I also remembered he had no cable, and wanted me to hang out over his house (clearly not to watch cable). Then I remembered that he worked a temp job and drove a BMW...an OLLLD BMW, with a broken seat. Dude was d*mn near indigent...and that wasn't ok. But that was the past...things may have been a little different now, right? He had moved about 2 miles away from me, and judging by his pics, was no longer in that raggedy car--so I figured it could be work. He ended up calling back, and we talked. He said that he had just seen his dream car, and he was going to get one--by his birthday (in October) or at least the end of the year. I asked what it was, and he said a Porsche.

Really dude? You're talking about the price of rent in Alexandria, and you plan to get a Porsche?

So I said ok. He then continued on to say that in addition, at his birthday party, he wants to come in in a helicopter. Now, I didn't say much about the Porsche, but at this point, I had to speak up. I said to him, you do realize that no one will see you arrive...you can't just land a helicopter anywhere. He told me that he knows someone that does helicopter rentals, and him and his boy once paid $300 to ride around all weekend. I was like, oh yeah, that's cool...but you still can't land it anywhere. The phone got silent, and after a couple seconds, I asked, so you're gonna have your birthday party in a field...? He was like yeah something like that, it's gonna be a hot party. After anothern awkward silence on my end, he says, that's all you have to say? You aren't gonna be like, I wanna go to your party, I bet it's gonna be fun? I wasn't sure what to say, so I just said (I guess unconvincingly), yeah...? He told me he was taking his bags in the house, and he would call me back. I have yet to hear from him.

I remember why we didn't work out. Not only was he broke, but he was an idiot. One or the other sir. Pick your struggle.